Only a week has passed since I received the news. So much has happened in such a small time, for me it felt like forever.
I’m not going to lie. Despite my written optimism I’m completely devastated. My equal left and right brain tendencies have been at war ever since.
Even I know that can only go on for so long. I was numb for a couple of days. I couldn’t cry for more than a couple of seconds. Especially when Mom looked at me with her heartbroken eyes. She had fears too. Only difference is, I can’t even fathom those fears. Only prepare and accept any possibility. I don’t have a choice. It’s my life, I refuse to cower away from it. Therefore, Mom and I talked about buying an automated external defibrillator. You know, just in case I drop randomly from arrhythmias or cardiac arrest. *fearlessly casual* That is if I don’t need one installed internally. Which at this point Mom mentioned, ‘They may put one in even if you still don’t have symptoms. This is still high risk. So maybe we should wait until your follow up appointment.’
NOPE. Nope. nope. Can’t fathom. Too much. Oh look…. Now I’m crying…..
Doom and gloom held over my head for two whole days. Then I met up with an old friend of mine for a, ‘Holy S&#* this sucks!’ drink. They were delicious, and sure enough, got me tipsy enough to feel carefree again.
BRB – Being jaded is no fun at all. Let’s play some Dungeons & Dragons to get over that. *nailed it*
But my friend, we’ll call him H. mentioned something that meant so much, even though it’s so little.
‘I’m just interpreting, but it seems kinda like another person with an epi pen. Right? I mean you could die yeah. But then you prevent it, and you have to carry something around with you to do so.’
Well hello sunshine…*sings ‘I Can See Clearly now’*
Hallelujah! That’s it! I’m just another person on this earth who’s allergic to…. My own heart? Okay bad analogy.
He’s right. Only difference is my issue is heart related, and I’ll need a larger much more fabulous purse to go with it! The randomness of manifestation is the same, the time limit is the same, the severety….and before I knew it the tendrils of normalcy began creeping back into me. I felt like I could breathe again.
If it wasn’t for H. I wouldn’t have been able to find a perspective change on my own. Not for a long while anyway. I needed that so much. The drinks were great too!
I posted the results because I felt I should include all of those in my life who have lovingly supported and encouraged me so far in something that was bigger than I could imagine. My own DNA. School was hard, College was harder, but I needed those to gain discipline, learning skills, technical and interpersonal skills. I chose those challenges so I could rise and become…. Well whatever I wanted to be really. I have a lot of plans…
Back to the point. I shared something so frightening and raw that even I questioned my decision to share it, but if I never shared it. H. would not have known my struggle. He would not have reached out and shared his light with me in my Grey Haven, (LOTR reference, everybody gets one!), and I wouldn’t have been able to get back on the horse in time to complete my project this Friday. Or even gain any semblance of self in time for the first follow up appointment today with my Genetic Counsellor, but that update is for another post.
I’m going to continue to share, because everyone goes through something like this. It may not be this disorder, or even a health issue at all. Life likes to slap you around and laugh at your shocked face, only to laugh more when you get back up and try again. Only the second time life laughs, it’s not of mocking, but pure unadulterated pride and joy. I truly believe that. We become so much stronger when we overcome our biggest challenges, and that reward will always taste the sweetest. Why not share the sweetest reward with my dearest friends? To do that, includes experiencing the journey, together.
Note: Life may or may not be a sociopath? *record scratch*
Well, here’s to my new future. A whole new outlook, (again), a new challenge and therefore, a new reward.
May Your Adventures Be Wild and Your Heart Be Strong,
~ Cirey Londiel ~